A Rumble in the Rift

Setting: morning in Kuttlmor

Sub-setting: the royal bedroom

Silky: *is sleeping next to VM, arms around him* Zzz...Assassins...Zzz...Blood to milk...

VoiceMan: *is asleep, an arm around Silky with a hand on her breast and growling as he's snoring* Zzz...Rrrrr...Zzz...Rrrrrif...Zzz...Rrrrriften...*wakes up* Nngh...*remembers a mission he must complete* Augh!

Silky: *wakes up* Wha...What's wrong, hun?

VoiceMan: *quickly gets out of bed and puts on his armor* I forgot about something to take care of in Riften! I'll be back!

Silky: Riften?

VoiceMan: Let's just say that the Jarl has her panties in a wad!

Silky: *giggles* Good luck, hun!~

VoiceMan: Thanks! *runs out*

Julia: Hi, daddy!~

VoiceMan: Sorry, can't talk!

Julia: Okay, bye daddy!~

VoiceMan: *runs outside and uses a horse to ride out of Kuttlmor* YAH!!! TO RIFTEN!!!

Silky: *sees VM from her bedroom window* Look at him...So brave...So noble...So...dreamy.~ *sighs in admiration* I'm so happy he's my husband.~

At Black Pocket Grove...

Sevin: *sees VM dash by* What's he hurrying for...?

Iyoka: I'd rather not get involved. It's his business, not mine.

Sevin: *sees VM heading for Riften* Riften, eh? Never wondered what he had with it. *follows VM*

Iyoka: No, wai- oh, nevermind...

VoiceMan: YAH!!! *cracks the whip, making the horse go faster* Almost there!

Sevin: *is running like that of a ninja, keeping up with VM, but staying hidden* (Why would he need to go to Riften? He's already been there a thousand times. Perhaps he has something awfully important to take care of...?) *follows VM into Riften and watches from the shadows*

???: *walks out of the Jarl's home* Vice Moan, is it?

VoiceMan: The name is VOICEMAN, Laila.

Sevin: *snickers*

Laila: Whatever. We have something very important to settle.

VoiceMan: I comprehend the situation and remember EVERYTHING clearly, though I find duplicating your dress, via magic, to give to my wife a bit small to flip your royal top. (Though I wish you'd do it literally.)

Laila: What was that?

VoiceMan: Nothing, your obliviousness. *snickers*

Laila: Anyway...We shall settle this predicament.

VoiceMan: With what? *crosses arms*

Laila: With execution.

VoiceMan: Excuse me?

Laila: There's no way out of it, you know.

VoiceMan: A more dignified solution MUST be available.

Laila: I guess you're right. What might YOU suggest?

VoiceMan: A battle, perhaps?

Laila: Fine. If you win, we'll let this one slide. If you lose...Well, goodbye.

Mjoll: I shall take this one, your majesty!

VoiceMan: A lioness? Against a WOLF? *laughs* Sure, go right ahead. But if ya lose, I ain't above revivin' ya!

Laila: Then it's settled; Mjoll the Lioness VS Vase Mean!

VoiceMan: It's VOICEMAN!!!

Mjoll: *giggles*

Sevin: A duel, hm? This oughta be fun. *follows the crowd to an arena, then meets Iyoka* Fancy meeting you here.

Iyoka: I was bored, so I wanted to see the fight. *sees Silky and Julia* Isn't that the Jarl of Kuttlmor and her daughter?

Silky: Hi!~ Going to see the fight, too?~

Sevin: Of course. Who wouldn't?

Julia: I hear daddy's one of the fighters!~

Sevin: You mean Voice?

Julia: Yup!~ He's REAL vicious in the ring!~

Sevin: He's facing someone equally as skilled, so don't be surprised if he loses.

Julia: Okie-dokie!~ *sees Delphine and Elyken* Hi, Elly!~

Elyken: Hey, Julia!

Delphine: Quite a surprise seeing you here, majesty. You're more of a love girl from what I know.

Silky: Well, Voice IS fighting, so I simply MUST see my darling husband in action!~

Delphine: VOICE is your husband? Didn't he marry ME as well?

Silky: He just LOVES a challenge!~ And that challenge may be to see how many women he can marry!~

Sevin: *facepalm* Aye aye aye...

Once the stadium is ready...

Laila: *on stand* Ladies and gentlemen! Are you prepared for a heated battle?! *everyone cheers* In corner one, we have Riften's very own Mjoll The Lioness!

Mjoll: *comes in riding on a lion, gets off, then bows as the lion leaves*

Laila: In corner two, we have...

VoiceMan: (I swear, if she gets my name wrong ONE. MORE. TIME...)

Laila: VoiceMan!

VoiceMan: (Oh hey, lookatthat!) *jumps in from above, making the ground slightly shake, then opens arms, presenting himself as everyone jeers* OH COME ON!!!

Silky: YOU CAN DO IT, HUN!!!~ I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!~

Julia: GO, DADDY, GO!!!~

Sevin: SHOUT HER TO PIECES!!!

Iyoka: COME ON, WIN IT!!!

Delphine: MAKE HER YOUR NEXT MEAL!!!

Elyken: GO BERSERK, PA!!!

VoiceMan: *sees the only six cheering, then smiles*

Laila: Now, you two have a clean fight, and may the best warrior win. *goes to the judge's stand, then rings the bell*

VoiceMan & Mjoll: *both start clashing swords and blocking strikes*

VoiceMan: *is sent sliding into a wall* You're good. *gets up, then stomps* BUT NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!

Mjoll: Let's see you do better! *charges at VM*

VoiceMan: *takes out a Battleaxe* I'd like to axe you a question!

Mjoll: Sword be it, then! *her sword and the Battleaxe clash, knocking both back, but sending the Battleaxe flying out of VM's hands* Hah!

VoiceMan: *growls* You're REALLY barkin' up my tree now! *gets on all four limbs, lets out a roar, then charges at Mjoll*

Mjoll: *slashes him across the face* Bite me, and it's bye-bye to your teeth!

VoiceMan: *spits out some blood, growls, bites Mjoll's left arm, then tears it off*

Delphine: YES!!! EAT HER FOR LUNCH!!!

Mjoll: *screams in pain* Y-You...-! *swings at VM again, slicing off his left arm* Take THAT, you brute!

Silky & Julia: *both gasp* OH NO!!!

Elyken: PA!!!

VoiceMan: An arm for an arm...Understandable. *grabs Mjoll by the head, attempting to tear it off as he knocks the sword out of her hand*

Mjoll: Oh no, you don't! *slaps him across the face, staggering him, she uses the time to get her sword back, then slices off his other arm* Perhaps I've "disarmed" you! *laughs as the crowd laughs*

Silky: Hey, that's not funny!

Julia: *blows a raspberry*

Elyken: BOOOOOO!!!

VoiceMan: *gets red in the face due to anger, snorts steam, then bites off her other arm as the crowd boos*

Silky: *laughs* NOT SO FUNNY NOW, IS IT?!~

Julia: AW SNAP, GET WRECK'D, SON!!!~

Elyken: HUMOR BITES, DOESN'T IT?!

VoiceMan: Sorry to "go out on a limb" on ya! *kicks Mjoll in the chest, knocking her down*

Mjoll: Hey! *coughs up some blood* That's not funny!

VoiceMan: Welcome to MY world, b*tch!

Silky: This seems a little dark...*reattaches their arms*

Mjoll: Thanks! *grabs her sword, then jabs VM in the privates as hard as she can, everyone gasps*

Silky: Oh my!

Julia: Well, there goes my next brother!

Delphine: Talk about low blows!

Elyken: *seethes* Good GODS, that must sting!

VoiceMan: *almost sheds a tear* M-My Soul Gems...*shakes, but doesn't fall*

Mjoll: *gets up, then tries to pull out her sword, but it's stuck* Uhm...*pulls harder, freeing it as blood drains from VM's crotch* Oh...

VoiceMan: I-It's nothing! *the bleeding stops, then he grabs Mjoll's breasts on accident when he meant to grab her shoulders* O-Oops...

Silky: H-HUN!!!

Delphine: *facepalm* He's not in love with her, is he?

Mjoll: *blushes, then slaps VM across the face* Pervert!

VoiceMan: *grabs her shoulders, tosses her up, jumps to her, then takes out an Ebony Warhammer* Stop! Hammer ti-

Mjoll: *grabs VM's head, throws him downwards, then lands on his stomach* I don't think so!

VoiceMan: *tosses her off, grabs her legs, swings her around, then throws her at a wall* SO LONG, GAY LIONESS!!!

Julia: *cracks up laughing* THAT'S TOO HILARIOUS!!!~

Mjoll: *gets up, runs at VM, then both clash weapons, sending them sliding*

VoiceMan: *bounces off a wall, takes out a bow and arrow, spins 360 degrees, then shoots Mjoll's knee* MLG PRO MOTHER F*CKERS!!!

Mjoll: Oh, you little...*shoots him in the head, knocking him down* Gotcha!

VoiceMan: *slowly gets up* Rrgh! (There's GOTTA be a way to beat this b*tch!) *remembers Sevin saying "Shout her to pieces!"* (That's it!) *sheathes his sword*

Mjoll: Aaaw, poor wittle wolf got so tired he can't do a thing!~ *charges at VM*

VoiceMan: *he focuses his energy, closing his eyes*

Silky & Julia: But, there is one they fear...

Delphine & Elyken: In their tongue...

Sevin & Iyoka: He is Dovahkin...

Silky, Julia, Delphine, Elyken, Sevin, & Iyoka: DRAGONBORN!!!

VoiceMan: *opens his eyes as they turn blue* FUS RO DAH!!! *Shouts a large beam of wind, dealing lots of damage and sending Mjoll flying into a wall*

Mjoll: N-Nice one...*dies as everyone gasps*

VoiceMan: *heals himself and Mjoll, bringing her back to life* You okay?

Mjoll: *wakes up* Rrgh...

VoiceMan: *sticks out an open hand* Lemme help ya.

Mjoll: *grabs his hand, then slowly stands up* Thanks. You did well, I must say.

VoiceMan: Ya didn't do too bad, either!

VoiceMan & Mjoll: *both shake hands as everyone cheers*

Silky: That's my husband, taking victory like a true competitor!~

Laila: *walks in* He didn't win; he CHEATED!!!

VoiceMan: Hey, YOU didn't state what we could and/or could NOT do, so fair's fair.

Laila: Fine. You win. I suppose what I got angry over wasn't so big after all.

Later, outside...

VoiceMan: I love happy endings!~ Nobody really died, all's well that ends well, etc...

Silky: I'll say, hun!~

Julia: I'm so happy you won, daddy!~

Delphine: You weren't quite ruthless, but you didn't hold back.

Elyken: You were AMAZING, pa!~

Sevin: I gotta say, you took the hits like a man. ESPECIALLY that crotch shot.

Iyoka: Yeah, that one REALLY looked like it stung. Does it still hurt?

VoiceMan: A little, I guess...*the spot aches again* Rgh! There it goes!

Silky: Anyway hun, let's get back home.~

VoiceMan: *smiles* Very well, your silkiness.~ *bows*

Silky: *giggles*

VoiceMan: *holds Silky's hand as they head back to Kuttlmor*

Julia: Wait for me!~ *catches up to the two, looks at the camera, then winks, smiling as the screen blackens out*

THE END!!!